Back to Ana

After years of ignoring my dear friend Ana, I have decided to go back to her, so that I can regain that body and control I once loved but was taken away from me by my over bearing Mother. Being almost 21 I have a little more independence, I want to re join my kind friend who was ripped from my arms.

I stare in the mirror and a tear falls, I no longer can leave my house in fear of being looked at because of how fat and ugly I have become. I am sick of bashing my head against walls because I cant loose the weight, I eat virtually nothing and I am consumed by my hideous reflection. All I see is everything that is wrong, my hair is plain and dull, my thighs are so big that none of my jeans fit anymore and my belly is getting comments from my work collegues asking me if I'm pregnant. 

Tomorrow is my monthly doctors appointment and I am hoping that she may help me with my weight issues, and possibly give me these amazing prescription medications I heard about that help fat people (like myself) to loose weight. From what I gather it is virtually legal crack, which at this late stage is fine with me, I just wanna get into a bikini without wanting to die in horror. There are going be some challenges with this, wanting to loose 12kg to go back to the weight I was when left Ana when I was merely 16. On the upside, being older has made me wiser and has learnt new ways to not to eat without anyone noticing.

It is hard to avoid food when both my parents home, but I am becoming somewhat of a ninja when it comes to avoiding meal time, my latest trick is sleeping through dinner and when I wake just have a cup of tea (with non fat milk of course). also going to the gym about 15 minutes before my parents are due to come home from work and not coming home until I know dinner is over has been a useful trick, and a great excuse to go burn the insane amounts of fat that hangs off my body like weight of the world on my hips and thighs. My favourite one is leaving my house at meal time to see friends. I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming home from his business trip, as he is another great cover up, being a chef by trade, I can tell mum that I ate with him.

I aspire to look like a model, with long thin legs and a tiny waist that clothes just fall beautiully off. At the moment nothing I used to love wearing fits and I can't get into a bikini without bursting into tears because of how fat I am. This image alone, of me in my bikini in front of my mirror was my breaking point, and inspired me to loose at least 8kg (and eventually 12kg)  so that I can regain the petite frame that girls were jealous of. This may mean giving up everything, but if nothing else Ana has given me determination and dedication to living up to her standards, and at the moment I am no where near where I want to be

With Ana I plan on experimenting with my own different methods of how I can avoid food, burn calories and hide it from my parents and friends who just don't understand.