I was talking to some old friends today and they think I am a totally different person recently, saying that I am anti-social and just not as bubbly. But it's okay for them, they are all size 8 and stunning and have the confidence to put on their short dresses and heels when they go out, while I wear loose tee's and tights so I can hide everything. They are right though, I have no inspiration to do anything, I don't want to leave my house, it means getting dressed, and being summer here it means shorts (Ewwwwwwww) and singlets. I do not enjoy putting on anything but my running clothes at the moment, because everything is just so gross on me.
I weighed at 58kg this morning and I ate gross gross hash browns today, as well as a milkshake, but I am hoping my 4km run will knock some of that off. I am embracing food while I can, as there is no more food after midnight tonight until after my model competition on Saturday, I am hoping to loose 2-3kg in 3 days, I will be strictly liquids so I don't pass out because it is going to be fucking hot for the next couple of days, and I will be doing work outs in the heat consisting of sprints, core work, and some aerobics. I would like to eat a huge meal tonight in order to survive the next few days but I just can't bring myself to put anything in my mouth.
Although I can't wait to start work, it means leaving my house and having to fake confidence that I just dont have, luckily the air con is really powerful so I think I might just wear pants all the time, with only wearing skirts when it is REALLY hot. My job is all about people pleasing, which I think I can do, as I have spent the last 20 years trying (i will repeat, TRYING) my mom. What I hate is having to fake confidence that I just don't have, I would much rather be in an office doing all the paper work instead of meeting and greeting with customers. I hate the car industry sometimes though, there is such an expectation for us girls to look like Malibu Barbie, and to be honest, it just isn't me.
I hate Valentines Day at the moment, it has everyone asking me what I will be doing, and being the last single girl in the group I feel the pressure is on. Honestly I don't see the point, who would love a big fatty like me? I am sort of sick of it, people asking about whether or not there is a man in my life because I hate saying no, but what am I to do, I have not the confidence to go out there and introduce myself to guys. I am quite happy looking, without any social connection, because let's face it, no guy is ever going to want me at this size, ecspecially when I'm competing with size 8 barbie dolls.
I hope one day that I will be skinny, confident and beautiful, maybe then someone will love me
xoxo
1 comment:
I've been in your shoes too- hating going out with friends because it's stressful trying to find something to wear then you feel like crap anyways around your friends so you think why did I bother :(
They sound like lovely friends though that they notice the change in your personailty and are concerned.
~ H
also do you know what a size 8 is in American sizes?
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